I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.