People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
ok like just. call me at this point
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.