I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
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No one believes you鈥檙e just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Anna: I think I鈥檓 turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it鈥檚 time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let鈥檚 go we鈥檙e running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
i wish we could shoplift online
Old stoners don鈥檛 die. They blow this joint.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 馃槶
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it鈥檚 super relatable
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
obviously, you鈥檇 be a fool not to get two
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET