I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
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date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.