i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
#oldknees
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.