How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I have a black belt in leather
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.