I hope the next Rambo movie is called ‘Rambo No. 5’ and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

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What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?


So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.


The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.


Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.


Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….


But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?


[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?