@koalaslament

I hope the next Rambo movie is called ‘Rambo No. 5’ and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

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@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

@mc_funbags

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

@OwensDamien

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@Daveastated

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

@DuhhEmma

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

@BoomBoomBetty

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?