I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense