I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
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i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.