I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

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me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018


I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.


Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?


[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds


ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.



me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!



Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.


Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less



“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago