me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
You Might Also Like
I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago