@Quartzjixler

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

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@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

@vladchoc

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

@YikYakApp

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago