ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
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Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]
me: [nodding] helicoptopus
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.