I hope they boil the right one.
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.