“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Cat is stressing him out.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?