“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.


Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without


ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”


Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.