@Kristen_Arnett

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

You Might Also Like

@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@JohnLyonTweets

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

@TheWidowmakerX

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

@TheHyyyype

ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away

@WheelTod

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

@kwirkyKerri

Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.