“Say hello to my knitted friend!”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away
In Australia, 7 spiders eat you in your sleep every year.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Whisper out to librarians!
Somebody parked in my spot and now I’m in the market for a rocket launcher.