@sarah1mc

I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

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@Burtslorp

*Jesus looks over bill from last supper*
“It looks like a fair tip would be about 30 silver.”
“I got this!” Judas yells, almost too quickly.

@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

@KBChicken75

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

@LoveNLunchmeat

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

@Contwixt

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

@electrolemon

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

@DevilryFun

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

@DanMentos

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

@Freudianscript

It is estimated that 1 Million people plan to gather at Times Square to watch the ball drop while looking down at their phones.