[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Love this guy
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
LOL!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.