I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time.

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Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!


The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.


Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco


ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.


Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*


I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.


What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.


[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”


PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?


*priest slowly backs away*