[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Netflix and you sit over there.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal