You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
taking June’s advice to heart
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
A game married people play.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something