I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.