I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Not helping
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me: my friends:
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.