I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m Sold!
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”