BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.