I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.