@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

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@smirkykev

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

@mikefossey

Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@shkeeber

Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.

@myonlymizztake

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

@_steamy_mac

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you