In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
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Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots
Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
Jail isn’t supposed to be fun why do they get bunk beds?