And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Finally! 😈
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Cats are still liquid.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
fired
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)