I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Botany good plants lately?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?