I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises