I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door