I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.