Me: Thank you.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-