@TheTalkingPipe

I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@ComedicBust

[at a wake]

WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]

ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.

@blaha_Who

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@Bobinhiding

Sext I just received from my wife- “Wake up! You’re snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed.”

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!