i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!