1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“and how does that make you feel?”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
#Caturday