Perfect one night stand:
No internet access.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity
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Roger sounds like my kind of guy.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
my dad called, sighed, and said: “the tension between your mother and the local deer is getting serious.”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.