[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you know, you know 😂🚔
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
3% human
97% stress
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.