I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.

You Might Also Like


“So help Me God.”

No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.


“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”


“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”


PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now


Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]


This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.


Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this


One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history


Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid