Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
toddler: When he wasn’t looking