@TheTweetOfGod
“So help Me God.”
No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.
@BoomBoomBetty
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
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@TheTweetOfGod
@FalseKnees
Happy Febuary everyone!
@internetluke
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
@_youhadonejob1
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“Print it.”
@tastefactory
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@InternetHippo
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
@girlwithatail
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
@McSwtrvst
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
@RachelWenitsky
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
@brynnester
Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid