@Carbosly

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

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@AndyAsAdjective

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@amydillon

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@LittleMissAngr1

My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.

@Office_Dolt

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

@mikeleffingwell

It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”

@TouchOfAlchemy

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

@DothTheDoth

As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.