@AndyAsAdjective
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
@Carbosly
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
You Might Also Like
@AndyAsAdjective
@junejuly12
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
@AddledPixie
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
@amydillon
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
@doggiedogthedog
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, thatβs my coffee thermos you moron…
@LittleMissAngr1
My neighbours complained about me dancing naked in my backyard last night. It’s like they don’t even know how necromancy works.
@Office_Dolt
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
@mikeleffingwell
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”
@TouchOfAlchemy
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
@DothTheDoth
As your goth healthcare advisor I urge you to sit by a fire, look out a window briefly, then continue reading about demonology.