I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
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My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]