@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

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@grimpossible

Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.

@david8hughes

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

@lisaxy424

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

@GrowlyGrego

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@NicestHippo

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*

@Chumpstring

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

@cray_at_home_ma

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.