Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
[taco bell 2am]
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.