I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
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My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”