I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
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I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.