That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.