I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’ll be mad as hell!
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Jurassic park gets weird
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?