I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.