@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

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@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

@trentistweeting

[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

@GrantTanaka

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@BrettDruck

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

@PaperWash

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

@squirrel74wkgn

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

@fricken_jess

Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”