she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
You Might Also Like
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Support your local cemetery
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.