[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
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[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Cool story bro, needs more dragons and shit – how Game of Thrones started, probably.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”