I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

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“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee


So I had a wedding in my Calendar for this Saturday and I was very stressed out because I didn’t know whose it was and I was afraid I was going to miss it. Then I realized that it was part of my 20 year plan and I set it like 5 years ago. It’s my wedding, I’m missing my wedding.


My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.


[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”


[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”


They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it’s not quite an emergency but you still need to vent.

“Hello, Operator? Yeah, there’s a bird on my car… No, I’m in the house, but I can see him through the window.”


I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.


I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website.

– White.
– Good condition.
– Reliable.
– Cheap.
– Some evidence of rear end damage.



If a short woman tells you “I’m not happy”.

Never reply “So which one are you then? Grumpy? Bashful? Doc? Sneezy?”