I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!