I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Wait a minute
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Terribly Tuesday.
Science memes
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.