I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.