Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
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We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*serious situation*
My brain:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point