Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
the greatest twitter interaction
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.