interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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Obama turns 52 today. Republicans vote to repeal it.
“I got this.”
Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
[Breaking and Entering]
GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open
ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok