I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I have never related to a cat more
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Smells like a challenge to me
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.