@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

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@KeetPotato

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

@RandomBest

“I got this.”

Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.

@sonictyrant

[Breaking and Entering]

GANG MEMBER: Jimmy the door open

ME: No it isn’t, and don’t call me Jimmy

@whatmaddness

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

@ReneeColvert

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

@scrappy_momma

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

@RCKruseKontrol

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

@SortaBad

All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.

@SvnSxty

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok