I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.