I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot