@Hobo_Splendido

I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters

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@Six_Pack_Mom

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

@PressOneForNo

When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

@fro_vo

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

@mxmclain

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

@drujohnston

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@RodLacroix

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.