I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters

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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”


If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?


I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.


I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.


getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house


Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”


[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”


After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.