It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
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A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Imma just leave this here…………
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*