@Hobo_Splendido

I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters

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@Swishergirl24

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@LostFelicia

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

@Tups13

I stare at the cats.
“And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away.”
They look at me in horror.

@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

@uncle_fescue

Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”

@joejwest

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

@BrettDruck

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

@KentWGraham

After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.