Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters
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When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.