I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I forgot how to panic. Help
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]