I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Lassie, get help!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.