If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
No, he would not have.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.